I found this when I was cleaning the mess on my PC today. If I’m not mistaken it was posted on official WoW forums and reposted on my guild’s forums back in the Molten Core days, still a nice read.
You raid with these people. You work with these people. These people are closer than your family. You should worry.
He’s sacrificed his health, friends, and probably a couple of jobs to drag you through new content. When the guild isn’t performing, these decisions are in question. Prone to shooting sprees, forum flame wars, and the rapid advancement/gearing of whatever toon the guild “needs”. If you can keep your mouth shut, he’ll go emo and quit before you get gkicked. Still, you do like the guy. Or did. Before he went crazy. See drunks, below.
The GM’s Significant Other
Okay, so he was going to have to quit but he tricked his SO into playing. She loves it. She’s terrible. You’ll effectively 24 man every boss. Count on 4 constructs in the raid, every attempt. She plays a Belf.
The Raid Leader
When you stand in the flames, he dies a little bit inside.
The Heir Apparent
When the GM goes psycho, ninjas the bank, and gdisbands, you’re the guy the guild is gonna look to to to fix the mess. You see it coming. You can’t decide if ritual suicide or being the new gm would be more painful.
The Positive Officer
“That was great. Just great. You know, only 5% of guilds have even made it to Supremus, and getting him down to 67% on the second attempt is hawt.” See Stoners, below.
The Negative Officer
“Jesus Christ why are there corpses under all these goddamn volcanoes? It’s Supremus for %@*@s’s sake. GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN FLAME!” See Drunks, below.
The Healing Officer
Has this job because, as the newest officer who plays a healer, he’s stuck with it.
The Hunter Class Lead
Will tell you that it does actually require skill and preparation to play a hunter well in the end game. Lies frequently.
He’s got meters running. Always. Asks for meter postage whenever he’s in the top 5, which is rare, as his focus on the meters is preventing him from seeing the volcano he’s pathing towards. Pulls aggro. Has yet to realize that 0 health returns 0 dps. If he’s healing, you might as well just put him on raid, he’s gonna heal them anyway.
Has read every strategy on the entire internet for every boss. Unable to think critically. Knows where his talk key is. Hated by the officers. Likely to play a hunter or mage. If this is also Chick With Accent, below, guild will probably collapse.
The Gay Guy
Affects the gay accent for effect. Upgrade decisions tend to involve lengthy discussions about gear appearance. Learned to use the dressing room function before the ‘v’key.
The Stay At Home Mom
She’s around children all day and craves adult conversation. Babbles incessantly in vent, forgetting that adult conversation doesn’t usually begin with, “So I was talking to (insert name of four-year-old child) and he says…” Well liked, but frequently muted.
Has a microphone. Hears the conversation and directions. Once wiped the raid because he started talking and most folks alt-tabbed to see who the hell was speaking. May be your best player.
So, you messed up on this guy’s interview and nobody noticed that he was 12. But, he can play. And if he gets a little bit excited when boobies are getting talked about? Hey, he’s young.
Plays a tank. Doesn’t have much to say. Made an error once in SSC, or so you heard. Will disconnect when Gorefiend is at 30% and keep aggro while offline for the rest of the fight. Has never said anything negative to the healers. Ever. GL with your progression without one of these. Hates the prima donnas.
The Other Kid
Remember that accountant you interviewed for the fury warrior position? And how you wondered how he’d make time to raid during tax season? He couldn’t. His eleven year old daughter took over about that time. She’s been raiding since. Mages, that’s an eleven year-old girl owning you night after night.
The Hunter Who Doesn’t Do His Homework
Always good for insightful commentary and clever observation just after a wipe. “Holy Crap Man! I was just standing and shooting and this damn VOLCANO popped on me! When did they put in those volcanoes?”
Kept insisting that you were going to need a melee group for BT, despite the fact that melee was dreadful for SSC/BT. Badgered the management until they broke. Plays a rogue. Shreds. Loved by the Most Devout.
The Most Devout
This is the guy who gets to play an off-spec in a big-boy raid. He’s the fury warrior or the enhance shammy. He cannot believe that some fate is letting him have this much fun that he’s afraid it will all come crashing down. Prays devoutly to his favorite diety that the guild won’t collapse because he’ll never have THIS much fun again. Ever.
The core of your guild. As raid progresses, their voices in vent are getting just ever so slightly slurred. You don’t notice because you’re trying to sound sober yourself. DPS output seems to scale positively with blood alcohol content.
Quietly wiping raids since the beta. They really, really, really hate having to move out of the fire. Two of them are dead under the volcanoes. They live in fear of the negative officer. They have their own channel. Try /join (insertguildname)stoners. You’ll see who’s in there. It’ll explain a lot. Still, if these guys don’t show, bosses don’t seem to actually die. They’re also having more fun than everyone else combined.
The Prima Donna
Requires special attention from management. Constantly whining. Plays some vital role. Might be a main tank, mage tank, or lock tank. The officers really hate this guy and as soon as they can find another tank with 24,000 buffed HP, he’s out. Not a stoner.
The Chick with the Accent
Is the accent fake? Nobody knows or cares. Future visits to Australia/Britian/New Zealand/Alabama are now planned by all single raid members.
The Healing Pallie
Hates healing and had to go holy to see endgame. If you raid with a boomkin, a feral druid, a fury warrior, or any non-resto shaman, you are not getting a 10 minute blessing. Forget it. He hates you. God help you if he has a raid-viable alt in one of those classes; you’re not even getting heals. Also, see Prima Donna.
The Departed Legend
You joined after he left. You suspect that he could not actually solo Doomwalker. But you’re not totally sure.
The Disgruntled Raider
Took an unannounced, extended vacation and now has to share his raid spot with the other 11 extra dps. Very angry about this situation. Doesn’t realize that ##@#*ing is making things worse. Officers pray for a gquit.
The Warlock Whisperer
Directionally challenged. Despite having run Karazhan 1.26 million times, will require a summon to Maiden’s room from the entrance. Has a “summon pls” macro. Strangely, is good at moving away from volcanoes. See (you guessed it) Stoners.
The New Guy
Begins most sentences with, “That’s not how we did it in my old guild on Korgath.” Likely to remain guilded for approximately one week. You wonder if he’ll be telling his next guild, “In my old guild, we ran TOWARDS the volcanoes.”
He’s the guy waiting in the wings for the raid slot. Totally dependable and plays about 200% better than the guy for whom he’s filling in. He’s got half the gear and puts out 20% more DPS. Totally cool, amazingly competent. You love it when the main can’t be there.
The Buff-less Wonder
Plays a class with group buffs, but “forgets” to bring the necessary reagents. Highly skilled at turning a deaf ear and blind eye to buff assignments. If reminded, will proceed to slowly buff people one by one until someone else is overwhelmed by frustration and does it for them.
Mr. Pick Me! Pick Me!
This guy is online and ready to raid. Always. Need a prot warrior? He’s got one. A holy pallie? Check. Problem is, he’s really bad. Like bad bad. You keep him in the guild because he’s… well, he’s always been in the guild. So when your main tank, back up tank, and back up back up tank have vanished Mr. Pick is ready to rock, much to everyone else’s horror.
Has a female toon. Claims to be female. Receives many of the benefits that the other females do: people are nice to her; she gets suspiciously good loot. Problem is, she’s never posted a picture of herself, and she never talks on Vent. Could she really be a girl? Sure. But who’s to know?
The Dumbest Person On The Planet
No one’s quite sure exactly what’s wrong with this guy, perhaps human evolution really has come to a standstill. Will be the cause of 60% of your wipes until he gets a /gkick. Tell him to spread out and he’ll glue himself to a squishy healer. Tell him to avoid something and he’ll stand in it till dead, then complain that he didn’t get any heals. Ask him to CC the yellow star and he’ll pick the orange circle then claim bleeding wounds debuff on his target.
The Obvious Explainer
This guy has read Wowwiki and probably written some of it. He will stop the raid for 15 minutes before each fight to explain to all the new people (of which there are none) that this guy might produce ground fire once in a while or that the hunter adds might shoot arrows. He’ll warn that the boss can hit hard, tell everyone to avoid damage, and remind the healers that they need to keep the tanks alive, and not run out of mana. By the time his explanation of the obvious is over, the spawns have come up behind you and wiped the raid.